Marriage.

I recently read Scary Close by Donald Miller and in it he writes about how no one is an expert at relationships. He says we don’t come into this world with an intact understanding of how to navigate friendship or marriage or any kind of relationship. So, they take work! Lots of work. We’re going to get it wrong sometimes and we’re going to get it right sometimes, but no one is an expert. The key is staying in the work even when you get it wrong or your partner gets it wrong.

Aaron and I were joking recently that marriage is for when you're ready to find out how wrong you are about everything. Like how you wash the dishes wrong, or hang the clothes up in the closet wrong. How you buy the wrong milk or store the butter wrong. How your thoughts on this or that topic are wrong. Marriage is for when you decide, "Yeah, okay, I think I'm ready to know the ways in which I was wrong for the last 30 years of my life." I'm exaggerating of course but we have had a lot of laughs and misunderstandings over each other being "wrong". But in our very VERY limited knowledge of marriage thus far, what we have found is that it is the most fun we've ever had, but it is also work in the way that all intimate, lasting relationships take work. And maybe the best word to use instead of work is intentionality. They require a conscience effort to thrive and grow like any other living thing. 

Relationships have been on my heart lately, I think because there's so much at stake. We need healthy marriages that produce healthy kids that produce stability in our culture. It all starts at home. And a lot of it has to do with dads. If there was ever a time we need lots of great dads to step up and stay in it with their families, it's now. I have a lot of thoughts on dads, because I think they're just so important to a home - I wrote a whole post about them once! But gosh, dads, we need you! At the heart of everyone is just a person who wants their dad to be proud of them - to love them, to care about them. That's why Jack Pearson is America's dad right now. It's why we love him and other dads like him: Adam Braverman, Carl Winslow, Eric Taylor. They stay and do what's right. They're proud of their kids and they're good men. Good husbands. Marriages need good husbands (and good wives, it's obviously a both/and situation).

The thing is, if you’re not newly engaged or approaching your wedding day or starting something fresh and fun, then you’re just in the middle and sometimes, living in a culture addicted to beginnings and anything new, the middle becomes boring and ordinary and not that exciting. I listened to a sermon recently and he says that most of your life is lived on a regular Tuesday: you wake up, get the kids off to school, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed, do it again the next day. That's the majority of our lives. So the middle is where we need the most prayer and encouragement. It’s where we need the most people helping us along and cheering for us to stay grounded - to stay in the thick of it all when it gets hard. To keep fighting for love with intentionality. To be faithful - to choose to be steadfast every moment of every day. To dive to the sweet middle of intimacy rather than stick to the superficial, saccharine and easily discarded because we’re swayed by the winds of our feelings.

When Aaron created our wedding website and put together the RSVP page, we created a required question where, before our guests could submit, they had to offer us their best marriage advice. We figured that between the nearly 300 people we invited, the collective years of marriage experience was well into the hundreds, so maybe we could learn a thing or two before we stepped into this together. As the RSVPs came back, it was fun to see what people wrote and what they thought was important – lessons they had learned through their years of experience, and what our single friends thought might be important someday or what they observed to be crucial in the relationships they admired most. So, since I have all this marriage advice just locked away in a spreadsheet, and it being nearly Valentine's Day, I want to offer some of it to you because maybe it’s what you need to hear today more than anything. Maybe it’s something that will breathe life into your middle. Maybe it will strengthen the roots you're growing in your relationship.

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Always choose to love each other, even in those moments when you struggle to like each other. Love is a commitment, not a feeling.

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PRAY for each other, be VERY slow to anger, and TALK to each other. Then BE THANKFUL!!!

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The things that first attracted you to one another will also be the things that drive you most crazy in your marriage! ;) Remember, marriage was designed to make you HOLY not always HAPPY.

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Every day ask the question, "What does love require of me today?"

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Perhaps the two most important phrases: "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you." Use them constantly.

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Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19

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That whole "don't go to bed angry" advice isn't true. Sometimes a good night's sleep gives you the right perspective to resolve things in the morning without saying things you wished you hadn't when you were mad. (Although maybe don't do that for a week haha)

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For better or worse is real, but it's worth it.

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Get over things quickly and it's never going to be 50/50 so don't expect that.

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Little things matter! A pastry for no reason or a hot cup of coffee in the morning. Also, creating your own traditions are huge! Maybe it is traveling to the mountains every year or going to the Apple Jack Festival in the fall. They don't all have to be crazy on the budget. But these mile-markers create stability and safe haven places for both you and your future kids =)

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Cherish each other; don't mock each other. Make each other feel like the luckiest spouse.

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Appreciate the small things that you do for each other, not everything has to be a grand gesture.

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Always extend grace. Jesus did for you.

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Always make time to nurture your relationship and enjoy each other...keep having date nights (even if it means at-home date nights, after having kids). :)

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I have very little wisdom to offer on this topic. But, my favorite relationships always have a whole lot of trust, mutual respect, and laughter involved.

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It's so easy to be selfish and get lazy in marriage, but fight hard against it. Marriage is so beautiful when your eyes are fixed on Jesus and you are intentional with each other.

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I don't have a lot of experience with being married, but it seems to me that you cannot over communicate. So talk it out and then talk it out again!

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When you are stressed or struggling, do not insist on going through it alone. Remember to lean on your partner and let them help you even though it may be hard to give up control or admit you are weak. They love you and will gladly carry and help you through.

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No matter what's happening, happy or mad, fighting or blissful, tell each other I love you and thank you. I love you is pretty self-explanatory but thank you is important too because it reminds the other person that you appreciate them and all you do for each other.

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Don't take each other for granted. Go on adventures. Find (or keep!) your own hobbies and interests apart from each other. Always be honest and open. Accept each other for who you are.

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Always keep Christ at the center of your relationship - don't look to each other to fulfill but look to God to fulfill what only He can. Give each other grace... lots of grace.

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Communicate, communicate, communicate! There is no substitute for communication done in love.

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If you have an argument, have it naked. It won't last long.

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That last one is hilarious, mostly because of the person who gave it, but also because we got a lot of sex advice - some from people who seemed embarrassed to write it and some from people who went into lots of details. Sex does matter in a marriage - the having it or not having it - so I appreciate all the advice given in that arena. A big thank you to all our wedding guests, who didn't know their advice might be shared on my blog. We have appreciated all your words of wisdom.

In the six and a half months we've been married, I think one of the big lessons we've learned is that we can't read each other's minds. Honest communication about our thoughts and feelings instead of assuming the other person "should" know or figure it out has been the key to resolving a lot of our misunderstandings. Obviously every relationship is different and each will require different care and attention at different times. The previous list is not exhaustive. But it has been helpful. Some other resources we appreciate: 

The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller
#MarriageMonday advice from Chelsea Smith, who pastors at Churchome with her husband, Judah.
The Mingling of Souls by Matt Chandler
Captivated sermon series at The Village Church

Now go love with intentionality. You'll get it wrong sometimes, but you'll get it right sometimes too. 

Maui.

When I was visiting Aaron in Honolulu in December 2016, we impulsively bought cheap tickets for an island hop over to Maui, but then quickly realized how expensive the trip would be since we were planning to go over New Year's weekend. Maui is already known for being a little more expensive, but throw in a holiday and the prices for car rental and hotel doubled. So we cancelled the tickets and sat on Hawaiian Airlines credit for almost a whole year. Knowing that if we didn't use it, we'd lose it, we decided to make the trip happen last November as a pre-birthday celebration for me, and also a quick mini-honeymoon getaway since we didn't take one after the wedding. I had never been to any of the other islands and Aaron visited Kauai with some friends a couple of years ago so we decided on Maui because it would be a new adventure for both of us. The flight from Oahu is less than 30 minutes, takeoff to touchdown, so when I say quick getaway, I mean real quick. You spend more time in the TSA line than on the actual plane. 

To keep the trip affordable, Aaron and I decided to camp for the three nights we'd be there and having never camped at all before I met Aaron, this was bound to test my limits (because I like to shower so judge me all you want)! But, he found this super awesome tent-on-top-of-our-car situation (actually called a Tepui tent) that made the whole thing so fun! Especially since it rained and rained and RAINED while we were there, it was nice to be up off the ground! Sidebar: I would suggest not visiting during rainy season. While it made everything super lush and green and beautiful, it was a bit cold to be in the ocean and also, everything was wet and muddy, always. 

We flew in to Kahului and the guy we rented the truck from met us at the airport with our home on wheels for the weekend. We had an awesome experience with this truck/tent. It folds down in just a few easy steps and then you're back on the road again. It had a foam mattress inside, and the back of the car was stocked with everything you might need for camping. We would definitely recommend it!

We didn't know much about Maui before visiting, but we heard sunrise at Haleakala Crater was too beautiful to miss, so we headed up toward the summit our very first night. It was dark by the time we were driving up the mountain and it was a little scary! There are no lights and no guardrails on the road and it felt like you could fall off the side... and just keep falling! During the day, it's a lot less sketchy, but driving up a mountain through fog, feeling like you're entering some kind of Stranger Things dimension was definitely an adventure.

We found out you do need to have tickets to enter the summit, so get those ahead of time! There is also a $25 entrance fee for the park. We were lucky to have a park pass from the guy we rented the car from - but you can pay at the entrance if you don't have one. We camped the first night at Hosmer Grove, which is a tiny little campsite on the way up to the summit. There's not much at this site - pit toilets and a couple of picnic tables and it was really full when we arrived, so if you need a spot on the ground you'll have to get there earlier than we did, which was around 10 PM. But, we found a place to park a short distance from the actual campground, popped up our tent and settled in under the most gorgeous black sky full of stars.

We woke up around 4:30 the next morning up to drive the rest of the way to the summit. There's bound to be a line of cars, so check the sunrise time and make sure you leave early enough to make it up and settle in. It was also 30 degrees when we got up there, so bring your warm clothes. All that said, sunrise at Haleakala - 10,000 feet above sea level - lived up to the hype. It was a beautiful experience.

After sunrise, we headed back down the mountain into the nearest town to warm up and get some coffee and then decided to take the Road to Hana. We read that the Road to Hana is about the journey, not the destination, and this is true because we made it to Hana and Hana is hardly a town. You'll find that Maui is much more country than Oahu - less populated, less commercialized, more nature and jungle beauty. So don't rush to Hana - enjoy the drive, stop at all the waterfalls, eat at all the food stands. We had the most delicious lunch at one of these stops on the side of the road. We also stopped at Garden of Eden, which is a little gem tucked away off the highway. It's a little pricey for a walk through a garden, so I'd say skip it and just get the coconut ice cream at the food truck near the entrance. That was worth it.

In looking at a few travel guides before the trip, we knew we wanted to see the black sand beach at Wai'anapanapa State Park, just off Hana Highway, and it did not disappoint.

Aaron in a lava tube!

And then we were back on Hana Highway!

A little further and we made it to Hana, but like I said, there's not much there. We stopped at a convenience store and bought some snacks and then went on to Kipahulu campground for the night. Again, it was $25 for the entrance fee because it's part of Haleakala National Park, but it is right by Seven Sacred Pools, which we definitely wanted to see. It was comparable to Hosmer Grove in terms of amenities, but it was right next to the ocean, so the views were amazing for our second night on Maui. 

It was raining when we woke up in the morning, after it had also rained all night, but we decided to walk to Seven Sacred Pools anyway because YOLO. When it rains a lot, the water near the coast turns brown, so the waterfalls were brown and the shoreline was brown, but the power of the falls was pretty amazing to see. Sometimes it's more calm and apparently you used to be able to get in the pools, but it was closed when we were there, and I've read that it's still closed due to rockslides and obvious danger.

Back in the car, we decided to head to Kihei. I mentioned that Maui is a lot less commercialized and a lot more country and what I mean by that is this is the only coffee shop we found from Hana to Kihei and coming across it was like finding mana from Heaven.

If you look at a map, it might tell you there isn't a passable road on a section of the south coast of Maui (Highway 31), but it depends on what you read and who you ask. Since we had a 4Runner and I'm married to Aaron Harms (who will try just about anything), we decided to go for it! It's one lane in a lot of places, and you have to honk (there are actual signs that say to honk!) so that if someone is coming from the opposite way around the curve, you can hear them and stop! It was wild. But before you know it, you're back on a paved road driving through upcountry. 

And I immediately regret not following Aaron's constant advice to film horizontally rather than vertically.

So we drove around the south coast and then through upcountry to get over to Kihei where we spent the afternoon. We stopped for a macadamia nut cinnamon roll at Cinnamon Roll Place (amazing! you must go!) and then took our chairs and towels over to Big Beach (also called Makena Beach). If you follow Jenna Kutcher, this is near her condo that you can rent on Airbnb and her pictures of this amazing stretch of beach are much more beautiful than this one we took where it was cloudy and, of course, raining. But this beach is perfect - soft sand, clear water. Had it been sunny, we would have spent the whole day! I loved it.

From Kihei we drove over to Lahaina, and if it sounds like we were in the car a lot - we were. We wanted to see as much of the island as we could, plus we had Taylor Swift's new album to keep us company on the drive, so why not, you know? (Ha! Ask Aaron how he felt about this.)

It was dark by the time we got to Lahaina, but it was so cute! There were lots of people in both Lahaina and Kihei, but also a lot of nice places to shop and it was all really lively. We walked around while eating gelato and saw the big banyan tree, which takes up a whole block!, and then walked down by the marina before heading back to the car. Lahaina was a nice little coastal town and we really loved it. 

Trying to find places to camp was kind of a lot of work because I didn't want to camp in places we weren't supposed to - like just randomly on the side of the road. (Risktaker is not my middle name.) So we decided to pay to stay at Camp Olowalu and it was the best decision we made the whole trip. They had hot outdoor showers and running water and toilets and after three days of not showering, I was over it. Sorry, everyone. Call me a diva. I'll embrace it. But we both loved it, especially since by this time Aaron was starting to feel sick (which ended up being a week of the worst flu of his life!). So we showered and settled into our tent for our last night and woke up to amazing views! And just down the road from Olowalu was Leoda's Kitchen and Pie Shop, where we had a delicious breakfast. We went there on a friend's recommendation, and it was awesome.

After breakfast, we drove back toward Paia, stopping along the way at Papawai Point to see if we could spy any whales. Humpback whales start showing up off the coast of Maui in November, but we were just a bit too early as the majority are there from December-April, so we didn't see any. 

Our last stop on the trip was Paia, which was a sweet little town with some fun shops and restaurants. We laid low on our last day since Aaron didn't feel well and ended our trip by hanging out on the beach near Kahului before catching our flight home.

Aaron and I both said that we still like Oahu better than Maui (Eee! Don't hate us!) but it was fun to see the island and explore. I think there were a lot of factors that would have changed the trip for us like better weather and less flu, but we loved seeing the beautiful island, and some of those well known things like the Road to Hana and Haleakala are definitely worth the trip! 

Aaron and I went on a bit of a choose-your-own-adventure route and decided to just see what we could see. But, if you're headed to Maui and you're interested in some planned adventures, check out Funlocity for great ideas and deals on fun activities!

Moments.

As most of the world knows by now, a false alert was pushed out to cellphones across the state of Hawaii last Saturday morning warning of an incoming ballistic missile. Panic ensued for nearly half an hour before we were all assured this was a mistake and there was no real threat. But I’ll be honest, Aaron and I were never worried. While the rest of the state was thinking they were about to die, we were sitting on the couch, cozy, drinking coffee, probably scrolling Instagram. And this isn’t because we’re just steady, calm people, not prone to panic and worry (do you know me at all?) -  we just didn’t get the alert on our phones. We were absolutely oblivious until my friend sent this text:

When I opened Twitter to see that no major news outlets were reporting it, and we never heard any sirens – which were tested as recently as December – our original theory was that someone made the graphic as a joke (a terrible joke, by the way). But then a couple of minutes later, a Hawaii news station I follow retweeted Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard saying the threat was false. So that was it. There was no point in time where Aaron or I ever thought the threat was real.

But as the news started pouring out about the alert, we quickly realized how it affected everyone around us. Saturday night we were at a bonfire with friends and nearly the only topic of conversation was the false missile alert. Did you get the alert? Where were you? What did you do? Several friends drove to a military base. Others saw people running toward Diamond Head for shelter. Another watched as frantic tourists bombarded helpless police officers. 9-1-1 lines were jammed. People were scared for their lives. I know that had we received the alert I would have probably lost it. Goodbye, emotional stability! Farewell, sanity!

I don’t know how often you all think about death, but I think about it a lot. I’m not trying to be morbid or anything, but I just feel like I think about it more often than the average person. It might have something to do with the fact that I lived next to a cemetery for seven years. You can’t escape thinking about it when everyday there is a new plot of dry earth dug up near your parking lot. Last Saturday, a lot more people were thinking about their death, and probably in that span of 30 minutes, the whole of their lives and whether or not they did it right. This is so cliché – I know that. But the truth is a lot of people thought they had 15 minutes to live on Saturday. A lot of people were running for their lives, trying to figure out how to protect their children and themselves. A lot of people were resigned to the fact that it was over. And that's when you start to think about your life.

While we were home in Nebraska, we recently heard a sermon on Ecclesiastes. Solomon, the writer of this particular book of the Bible, was the richest man in the world. He had everything – you name it, he had it, and if he didn’t have it, he could get it in overwhelming abundance. Even still, at the end of it all, he looked back and thought it was all worthless. It meant nothing. All the wealth and prestige and stuff he had accumulated was garbage. So in light of his revelations, the focus of the sermon was on living for the moments that matter. Making our lives count. It's not about possessions and money and power. It's about not missing moments with our people. Not giving our lives over to bitterness, anger, addictions, feeling like a victim, being a slave to our pasts, but instead moving onward and forward and not missing the life that’s happening right now, in front of us, today. Moments that we’ll never get back. Moments we’ll never experience again.

I’ve missed a lot of moments in my life. I know I have because I was wasting my life wishing to go back and make choices over again. Wishing my life hadn’t gone the way it did. Wishing away all that I had been given with an ungrateful heart, nursing my wounds and remembering all the ways I had been wronged. I missed moments with family and friends. I missed opportunities. I missed them because of stored up hurt and anger and bitterness. I missed them because I was striving for what I thought life should be instead of living in the reality of what was. 

I wish I wouldn’t have _________. 
My life would be different if only _________.
My life would be better if __________.

Do you ever rehearse your answers to these kinds of statements? Mentally fill them in whenever you're reminded of a certain person or scenario or life event? Use them as an excuse for where you are in your life? I used to spend a lot of time on these kinds of thoughts – imagining these kinds of scenarios. Meanwhile, my real life was passing me by. In her first book, Cold Tangerines, Shauna Niequist highlights this idea perfectly – about life and moments and not living in the past. Because we can rehash our stories and look back at our choices or the choices made for us by other people and see our narrative as tragedy, or we can move forward with forgiveness and grace and love – for others and for ourselves, realizing that we'll never get our moments back again. Shauna calls this kind of thing letting them off the hook. She has a whole essay about it in her book. She writes,

“When I’m trying to forgive someone, I picture myself physically lifting that person off a big hook, like in a cartoon. I never want to. I prefer to stew and focus my anger on them like a laser pointer and wish them illnesses and bad skin. I hope that they will get fat and people will talk behind their backs and their toilets will overflow and their computers will crash. I work on my anger toward them like I’m working on a loose tooth with my tongue, back and forth… “

But there comes a point when you have to let all that go – when you have to let that go so you stop missing your life. So maybe today you need to let someone off the hook for all the ways they wronged you – and I’m not talking to you if you are currently in a situation where someone is wronging you – abusing you in some way, physically harming you – you DO NOT let those people off the hook. You tell on them and you get help. But I am talking to you if you are hanging on to the past in some way. If you’re letting bitterness and anger tell your story. If your whole life is seen through a lens of, “Yeah, but my life would be better if ______.” I’ll never forget what my dad said to me one time, “Life moves fast. Don’t wish it away.” Don't wish it away! Not parts of it. Not whole chapters. Not current circumstances while you wait for the next thing. I'm here to tell you that one minute you're 21 thinking you have all the time in the world and then you're 33 and you're wondering where time went and my dad is 58 now and he feels the same way and now I sound like that Five for Fighting song. But your life is right now. Let yourself off the hook. Mentally pick yourself up off that hook every single day if you have to so that you don’t waste your life and miss the moments happening today all around you. Let your parents off the hook. Let your ex off the hook. Let your kids or your neighbor or whoever wronged you off the hook so you can move forward and live the one life you've been given. 

Faced with our own mortality, like many felt here on Saturday morning, do you really want to look at the whole of your life and feel like you missed it? Wasted it? Watched it go by while you worked on your anger and bitterness like a loose tooth? Sacrificed your family and friends on the altar of power and prestige? I don’t. I want to get to the end and know I gave out every ounce of love and grace and forgiveness I could possibly muster. I want to make a career out of letting people off the hook. I don’t want to miss any more moments - any laughs or smiles or opportunities to be an encourager, a comforter, a hug. I want to live each day in all its sweetness and difficulty and trial and triumph. I want to feel each moment and squeeze the life out of it. Capture it in my heart, undistracted by the past, laser-focused on all that's ahead. So that when it is my time to head on home to glory, I don't feel like I missed it all.

In another essay in Cold Tangerines, Shauna writes,

“Today is your big moment. Moments, really. The life you’ve been waiting for is happening all around you.... This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events. But pull of the mask and you will find your life, waiting to be made, chosen, woven, crafted. 

Your life, right now, today, is exploding with energy and power and detail and dimension, better than the best movie you have ever seen. You and your family and your friends and your house and your dinner table and your garage have all the makings of a life of epic proportions, a story for the ages. Because they all are. Every life is. 

You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural. 

You are more than dust and bones. 
You are spirit and power and image of God. 
And you have been given Today.” 

Life moves fast. Don't wish it away. It'll be gone in a moment. Don't miss it.

Lessons.

I turned 33 two weeks ago. It didn’t really feel all that significant, but for some reason I suddenly had these things on my heart that I wanted to share – things I’ve learned in my 33 years – or more honestly just the last three to four years, because I don’t know what my twenties were but a mess of hustling to be seen and loved. Anyway, that’s another story for another time. This is just a short list of lessons that maybe by my sharing, you will understand sooner than I did. They’re not groundbreaking and I’m saying the same types of things others have said in one hundred other ways, but they say you need to hear something seven to fifteen times before it sinks in so maybe this is will be your seventh.

Scrap the timeline. I mean it – throw it away. I was thirty when I finally got rid of my mental “should be” list. You know, “I should be married by now.” “I should own a house by now.” “I should be out of debt by now.” That list. Throw it away. Set it on fire and stop letting it control you. Who created that timeline anyway? Live the life you were given – it’s happening today, all around you so give up on “should be”. There’s nothing you “should be” doing – no mile markers to reach, no deadlines to meet. Holding yourself to fictitious standards will only leave you sad and lonely and desperate. No two stories are the same. Live yours – not someone else’s. I got married at 32 and if I would have been married at 22 like I always thought I “should be” well, yikes. The many single years I had prepared me for my story right now and I’m thankful for it.

Turn off social media. There was a point a couple of years ago where I could not look at Pinterest for another second. It made me stressed out, sad, and feeling left behind. I wanted to have a beautiful house and make amazing meals, and love my husband well, and do crafts with my kids, but the problem was, I lived in an apartment, I was cooking for one, I didn’t have a husband and I certainly had no children. The comparison game will eat you alive. It happens on Pinterest and Instagram and Facebook and sometimes the best thing you can do is shut them off. This is especially true if you are already feeling sad for some reason or another. Look up from the screen. Take a deep breath. Curate the details of the life you do have rather than the one you wish you had. And I don’t hate social media – I’m on it a lot. But exercise good judgement and listen to your heart when you feel like you need a break.

Go to bed. The other best thing you can do sometimes is just go to bed. It’s midnight and you’re up browsing the internet or refreshing your feed for the thousandth time, looking at what other people are doing, or looking at things you shouldn’t, or you’re out at a place you shouldn’t be, when instead, you just need to go to bed and start fresh in the morning. There’s something about the morning that makes everything feel better. Sometimes the holiest thing you can do is just rest. Sleep. And let his mercies be new every morning as he promises. My mom used to tell us, “Nothing good happens after midnight,” and the older I get, the more truth that holds. We rationalize in the dark of night, we believe lies more easily, we let anxiety tear us apart, we get into things we shouldn't. Stop. Go home and go to bed.

Stay humble. You’re not better than anyone else. Repeat that to yourself right now if you have to. I’m not even sorry to be this blunt – you’re just not. There is something to be learned from everyone, every single person you meet. I don’t care if you’re the best in your field, if you’re the LeBron James of your industry, you’re still not better than everyone else. You’re a human – just beautiful dust – with failures and weaknesses and strengths and triumphs. Admit your failures. Embrace your weaknesses. Be vulnerable. Let others in.  Drop the act. Let go of the mask. And if you think I’m not talking to you, I’m definitely talking to you. We put on such a show of self-righteousness sometimes and it’s gross. There is always something to be learned from our friends and neighbors and people around us if only we let them in. The sooner you realize this, the more freedom you will walk in.

Create a routine. Our bodies run on rhythms and seasons. We were made for them. Just like the day fades to night and into day again on a set path, in a regular pattern, our bodies and minds were made for routines. Create rhythms for your life. If this means getting up at the same time every day, going to bed at the same time, creating a nighttime ritual, going on a daily walk, creating space for specific things you do each season, whatever it means for you. Create a routine that works for you. You will feel more steady and stable and grounded.

Work on your fitness. You will be amazed at how your body feels if you just go for a walk and breathe some fresh air. Stop letting your scrolling thumbs get all the exercise and move your legs. I know that when I’m in a bad headspace, it’s usually because I need to go workout and let endorphins flood those blank, dark corners of my mind.

Do the next thing. I was easily overwhelmed in school, which is funny because school was actually fairly easy for me, but every first day when I would get the syllabus, it about threw me into a panic looking at all the work we had to do. So I’d be scrambling at the kitchen counter and flipping through all the stuff I had to do and my mom said to me one day, “Just do the next thing.” Whatever that next thing is, stop and focus on that one thing. Stop thinking about all the things at once. Do the next thing and then the next after that. I find this is good in any kind of anxiety or worry situation. I’ve had to tell myself a lot over the last couple months – rather than feel homesick and wallow in my feelings, I’ve had to just do the next thing. Clean the house. Go to the grocery store. Make the bed. Run the errand. Rather than let circumstances overwhelm, confuse, or worry you, just do the next thing and the next and the next.

Say it. John Mayer had it right back in 2006 when he sang, “Say what you need to say.” I’ve told you before to use your words, but I’m saying it again because it's worth repeating. I think this especially applies to dating. We hold back a lot of times because we think, “Gosh, I don’t want to say that. What if he/she doesn’t like me?” Well, then golly, if they don’t like you over that thing you want to say, wouldn’t you want to know now and move on before you get in deeper? Or at what point will it be a good time to start speaking your true feelings instead of holding back? A year from now? Once you both think you’re in love and then suddenly you’re speaking truth and the other person is like, “Wait, where is this coming from? Who are you?” Yikes. Start honest. Start truthful. Say what you need to say and then they’ll never be able to say they didn’t know.

Let it hurt. I listened to a sermon one time where he quoted Blaise Pascal who said, “All men seek happiness. This is without exception. Whatever different means they employ, they all tend to this end. The cause of some going to war, and of others avoiding it, is the same desire in both, attended with different views... This is the motive of every action of every man, even of those who hang themselves.” We all seek our own joy, and in the same vein, we will do whatever we can to avoid pain. We don’t want anything to hurt. We don’t want to be sad. We don’t want to cry. It’s why we don’t end relationships that need to be ended. We don’t address and deal with the past. We avoid, stuff, hide and run from anything that might feel a little ouchy.  I realized at one point in my life that I was afraid to feel heartbreak. I didn’t want to feel it again. I didn’t want it to swallow me whole like it did the first time. So I stayed in a relationship and let it drag me through the mud until one day, I’ll never forget, I just thought to myself, “Well, I guess it’s going to hurt. And it’s going to suck for a little while. But I will live.” I had to admit that it was going to hurt and I would probably cry. But it would not kill me. Deal with your pain. Let it hurt. Walk through it with someone else. Let them be there for you. On the other side of that temporary pain is the whole rest of your life.

Serve. We all know the saying that it’s better to give than to receive, but are you putting that into action? Over the course of my 33 years I’ve served in youth ministry, on the sermon transcription team, at the hospital, at a coffee shop, and in an English language learners program and each of them enriched my life in a different way. There’s something about taking the focus off of yourself and giving your time, your talents, your gifts and abilities to help enrich the lives of others that will bring you great joy.

Be grateful. We are expert complainers. I know I am. It’s the default position of my heart some days and it takes a conscious effort to stop complaining and start being thankful. If you find yourself in a downward spiral of complaining, stop your heart in its tracks and declare five things you’re thankful for immediately.

Open the door. I know that it takes a lot of work to have people over and open your home and maybe you feel like it’s not perfect or it’s not as nice as so-and-so’s house but often I’ve seen that people just want a place to come and relax and simply be. I have a couple of friends that are so good at this – opening their home and their hearts and making everyone and anyone feel welcome. We’re all looking for a place to belong. We all want community. Maybe it starts with you simply opening the door. As Myquillan Smith says, “It doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful.”

Call your family. They won’t always be there. I lost my grandpa earlier this year and it’s amazing how often that still gets to me and at the most random times. So call your mom or your dad or text your brother or your sister or your friend that feels like family and let them know that you love them - that you’re thankful they’re part of your story. We get so caught up in ourselves that we do a bad job of letting people know how we feel. We need to say I love you a lot more often.

Stop keeping secrets. Duplicity will kill you. It will tangle up your feet, eat away at your sanity and steal the years of your life. Whatever it is – drag it into the light by speaking it. Stop living a secret life. No one is cut out for that kind of pressure. If someone ever says to you, “Don’t tell,” telling is likely the very first thing you should do. Not always – but more often than not. If there’s something weighing you down that you don’t think anyone else will accept about you, well then see below.

See a counselor. Counseling changed my life in unending ways. It will help you see your story through a different lens and with more clarity. A counselor can help you talk through things you didn’t think would ever leave your tongue. There’s something about sharing it all out loud that helps it all feel more tangible and real and gives you the tools to help you handle it whether it’s a past or present situation. Seeing a counselor is not for the weak - it's for those who value being the most healthy version of themselves. 

Consider Jesus. Beth Moore tweeted the other day that if you’re drowning in cynicism, maybe it’s time you heed the words of Hebrews 3:1 and “…consider Jesus…” I know I write around it a lot and hint at it and nudge you toward it in some veiled ways, but I really think the best thing you can do for yourself at 23 or 93 is decide where you’re at with Jesus. When you’ve tried everything else and you’re still coming up empty-handed on why we’re here and what our purpose is in this life or how to handle all the messed up things in the world, well then, maybe it’s time you consider Jesus. I just finished reading The Reason for God by Tim Keller and it’s for every person who has ever doubted or wondered or felt skeptical – so what I mean to say is that it’s for everyone and perhaps will be your starting point for considering Jesus.

Maybe this is the place where I should finish with more lighthearted things like, Listen to more Taylor Swift, Eat the brownie, Buy a good dry texture spray, or Play more Scattergories. While I do believe those things, especially the part about a texture spray, I'll just leave it here for now. 

With love from my 33 year old heart, 

L