Saved.

I spent six summers as a lifeguard in high school and college. Looking back now, it is still one of the best jobs I've ever had. There was such a camaraderie among the lifeguards each summer and I don’t know that I often complained about going to work. Sunshine, friends and snack breaks – what more could you want? The pool I worked at was considered a water park, although it only had two short waterslides, but what defined it as a water park was that it had a zero entry pool. This means that you walk right into the water and it gradually gets deeper and deeper. It’s great for the moms who want to sit on the side in about an inch of water and watch their kids swim, but it’s bad for kids who walk in and splash around and are suddenly too deep to touch the bottom. We saw it all the time – enthusiastic swimmers would walk out just far enough that they couldn’t touch so they'd start flailing their arms and swallowing the deep end and we’d blow three whistles to let the head guard know we were jumping in to save them. 

I have a good friend that never learned how to swim. I think he could keep himself from not drowning long enough for someone to get to him, but I don’t know that for sure. Because of all my lifeguard experience, I always tell him, “If you’re ever in a situation where you think you’re going to drown, don’t panic. I will save you.” I feel really confident of this even though he's both heavier and taller than me. While it's not Aaron that can't swim, he and I have practiced this in both a pool and the ocean - him letting all his weight sink and me pulling him up and swimming to the side. Of course the only way this is possible is if he stays calm. You’ve probably seen it before where the person drowning starts to panic so they grab on to the rescuer and try to use them for leverage to get above the water and in an effort to stay up they push the other person under. So I said to my friend, “I’ll save you, but if you start to panic, I’ll have to punch you in the face so you don’t drown us both.” I laugh at my own self when I think about the sight of that. I mean I can’t imagine punching anyone in the face, let alone enough to knock the calm into them.

I recently read, Nothing to Prove by Jennie Allen and a section that really hit me was on the idea of rest and how God provides rest for our weary souls if only we'll let him. Does anyone feel weary right now? Can I get an Amen? I think we're all a little weary sometimes. In the same chapter Allen asked, “In what way are you fighting against God right now?” I read that line and it's when this visual of drowning came to mind. Is your weariness a result of fighting? How often is God trying to rescue us but we’re flailing our arms in a panic? God’s trying to gently say, “Relax. I will save you,” and yet we’re flipping out while spouting off a million “what about’s”. You know, like, what about these bills? What about my relationship with my mom/dad/family? What about my kid? What about my debt? What about my dreams? What about my boyfriend/girlfriend? What about meeting this need? What about this illness? Flail. Gasp. Panic.

For over ten years I was flailing in the arms of God while he was waiting there to rescue me. My what about's were, “What about giving me a husband? What about a new job? What about my dreams and my timeline?" I had zero confidence in God’s ability or even desire to give me a husband. I was willing to give God everything else in my life, but specifically sectioned off this area and wouldn’t let him touch it because I did not believe he would provide. Too many times I had been let down. Too many times I thought I was trusting him and doing what he wanted and still I was heartbroken. Too many times I felt abandoned by God in the relationship arena while I was used up. So I was flailing hard against him, refusing to rest and if I were him, I would have certainly punched me in the face. 

Fortunately, he doesn't work that way and there came a point in my life where I had to admit to God that I was a wreck - that I was trying to shove him under the water and save myself, that I didn’t believe. I said to him, “I don’t trust you, God. I don’t trust you to provide. I don’t trust you in this area. I want to, but I don’t.” And it was in that moment that I finally stopped flapping my arms around like a lunatic and started to rest. I prayed the words of Mark 9 where the father says to Jesus, “I do believe. Help my unbelief!”

I do believe, God. At least I want to! Help my raging unbelief in you. Help me to take that unbelief and turn it into unwavering faith. I do believe. I repeated this in my prayers. I wrote it out in my journal. I do believe. Help my unbelief, God! It’s kind of like one of my previous posts about how negativity begets negativity. If you keep telling yourself you don’t trust him and you don’t believe him, well then you won’t. Believe me on that. So instead remind yourself – remind your heart – that you do believe that he will save you. He will provide the answer to all of your what about's! He will. But faith isn't a permission slip for passivity. Rather it will give you the strength to keep doing the next right thing. 

It's also not to say he will answer those "what about's" how you would like and on your timeline. I thought I would be married ten years ago and have three kids by now, but at this point I’m 32 and only three months into marriage. After we got married, we moved across the country to a new place even though I told God and Aaron multiple times, "I'm never moving to Hawaii." I'm sure you can still hear me laughing myself all the way across the ocean because God loves to take our never and turn it into yes. So in my marriage and moving, God answered my unending, “What about?” question and now I’m thinking, “Wait… this wasn't my plan! I mean I’m a Nebraska girl. I can't live in Hawaii. Oh no, oh no.” And let me tell you what, it has been hard. It's been good, of course, but it has also been very hard in a lot of ways.

And in the midst of it being hard, I'm back in a position where I have a choice to start flailing my arms. I feel faced with that choice every day – the one where I can panic and take back this area of my life, put a rope around it and not let God in because oftentimes it's more comfortable when we feel in control. But instead I’m reminded each day in a fresh way that I don’t have to flail. I don’t have to save myself. He's here. Whether it’s something on the radio, or something I’m reading, or the comforts of friends and family, I know in my heart that this is the right next step and that being here now has always been the plan for my life.

In her book, Allen writes,

“Why risk our comfort? Because on the other side of God-oriented, Scripture-informed risk is everything we are looking for: nearness to Jesus, greater faith in His power; deeper, richer experiences and relationships; satisfaction and enjoyment of the short life we have been given.”

Take the risk. Step out in faith to do the next right thing that God is calling you to do. Even if all you can say as you take that step is, “I do believe. Help my unbelief!" In the midst of fear. In the midst of letting go of comfort. In whatever way you're fighting against him, right in the thick of it all, resist the temptation to flail and just rest in faith.

Where are you struggling to believe him today and why? I'm guessing it's because, like me, you feel let down or left out or left behind in some way and now you're rehearsing all the reasons why He can't be trusted and exhausting yourself while you drink in the deep end of the pool. But, we have a God who wants you to stop flailing your arms when he’s asking you to rest. He will save you. Rest. Breathe. Believe. 

Hands and feet.

I was pretty glued to the internet last week – taking in stories and press briefings and reports about what happened in Las Vegas. I was reading part of an article to Aaron about a man who was at the concert with his dad and his dad was shot. The son is an EMT and he tried to revive his dad, but he couldn’t. His dad died right in front of him. All they wanted to do was go to a country music concert and have a good time, and his dad died right there in front of him as he tried to save him. I couldn’t even get through the story without choking up. Even the people who weren’t injured but were just there, running for their lives, screaming, seeing all the blood and the people get shot, hearing the noise of gunfire - the raw terror they must have felt. 

I was listening to the radio and they were talking about this tragedy and oftentimes the immediate response to something like this is, “Where was God?” Even as a Christian, I can sometimes feel myself asking that question when terrible things happen, whether that's somewhere else in the world, or even just in my own life or the lives of people I know. So the radio deejay had posed the same question and a woman called in and she went on to explain how it's the wrong question to ask because God was there that night. He was there. He was with the husbands and boyfriends and strangers who threw their bodies over the women they loved, or the ones they didn’t even know. He was with the police officers who bravely walked toward the gunfire to make sure no one else got hurt. He was there with the doctors and nurses and paramedics who saved the lives of the injured. He was with the first responders. He was with the injured. He was with those who lost their lives. He was there. Among them. With them.

I was struck by this woman’s words as she explained this to the deejay because for whatever reason, it was something I had not considered in the face of previous tragedy. My default position was one of, “Oh, yeah, God knew it was going to happen. He could have stopped it with a word, but he didn’t. We won’t ever know why. We just have to trust.”  Christian platitudes we've all heard before to try and help us understand. But in my head, God was off in the corner watching this happen, knowing it was happening, not orchestrating, but allowing for reasons unknown to us. Do you get what I mean here? That’s always the way I viewed him in tragedy. He was there, but on the sidelines as a spectator to our earthly struggle and sorrow because in his infinite wisdom this is part of the plan, even if we don’t understand it. It just has to play out like this and one day it will all make sense. 

Of course part of that is true – we won’t understand it and it is part of the story of the world. God was not caught off guard that Sunday night when this tragedy happened. He was not surprised – his steady hand was unshaken. But I think in the face of tragedy, when we ask the big question, “Where was God?” it’s like our immediate assumption is that because it was ugly and bad he wasn’t there, but that's wrong. You know how everyone loves the quote from Mr. Rogers about looking for the helpers? There are always helpers. And what I’m getting at is rather than asking the question, "Where was God?", we need to look for all the ways that God was there. Instead of imagining big, unapproachable God in the corner not stepping in, imagine Jesus in that crowd crying with those who were hurt. I imagine him now, as those bullets rang out, just pleading, “No, no, no,” as he covered those running for their lives. "No, not this," as terror ran through the hearts of everyone present. Like this lady pointing out on the radio, he was there. He was among them. He was clearing the path for paramedics. He was giving doctors steady hands and wisdom in emergency surgery. Look for the stories of bravery and heroicism coming out of Sunday night. God was there. 

We have to remember that this was never the plan. God’s plan was not for sin and death and destruction and evil. God’s plan was for flourishing, communion with him, beauty and perfect peace. He did not will for evil to enter the garden. Just as he does not will for tragedy or sorrow on any scale. He does not sit back and watch our anguish from afar. He reaches down and cries with us. He is present in our sorrows.

I had the wrong picture of God this whole time because apparently I forgot that we are the hands and feet of Jesus to the world. 1 Corinthians 12 says we’re each a part of Christ’s body. We’re here to bring Jesus near.  I heard a pastor say one time, “God is never far off, Christian, because you are there. He’s never far from your coworkers because you’re there. He’s never far from your neighbors, because you’re there. He’s never far because he’s placed you in your circumstances around those people.” Christians believe that they have been filled with the Holy Spirit to live and love and be like Jesus. We believe that God is compassionate, he is kind, he is love, he is not far off at any moment and we are called to take him into our every day places. So, yes, Jesus was there that night. He was there in the midst of it all. Was everyone there that acted in bravery a Christian? No, probably not. I'm not suggesting that only Christians can act in courageous love - in fact sometimes they don't. But since God is love, then every act of love and care can only come from him. 

I’m reading the book, Love, Henri: Letters on the Spiritual Life. It’s a collection of letters written by Henri Nouwen and while these letters are forty to fifty years old, it’s striking to me how they are still relevant to our current situations. Several times I have stopped and made Aaron read a passage and said, “Doesn’t that seem like it could have been written yesterday?” That’s the thing about truth. When you write about the truth it transcends time and circumstance and especially trends. The truth will always last longer than what’s cool or popular for but a moment. 

Well in one particular letter, Henri writes about our source of hope. While it was written in 1981, it’s still applicable to us now, especially in the face of tragedy and pain. We’re tempted to lose hope and live in fear. We’re tempted to stay home because it feels safer now than going to the movies or a concert or even to school. But in this letter Henri is responding to a man who wondered if humanity would survive the century, given what was going on in the world at the time. Henri replied,

“I really don’t know if our civilization will survive the century. Considering the growing threat of a nuclear holocaust, there certainly is a reason to wonder. But important for me is not if our civilization will survive or not but if we can continue to live with hope, and I really think we can because our Lord has given us His promise that He will stay with us at all times. He is the God of the living, He has overcome evil and death and His love is stronger than any form of death and destruction. That is why I feel that we should continually avoid the temptation of despair and deepen our awareness that God is present in the midst of all the chaos that surrounds us and that that presence allows us to live joyfully and peacefully in a world so filled with sorrow and conflict.”

It was true in 1981 and it’s true today, in the face of another national tragedy. We have reason to hope. This is not how it ends. His love is stronger than any havoc caused by a single misguided soul. He is with us always. Always doesn't mean every day except in times of mass shootings, plane crashes, and big catastrophes that we wish were avoided. It means always. 

So we move forward with hope. We continue to live with hope and not in fear. Because we are the body of Christ and we are called to go – out in the world to always be the hands and feet of Jesus, in good times and in tragedies and in all the places he has called us to go. So we go to concerts and movies and school and stadiums and markets carrying the hope and love that we know well. Jesus is not far off, because you’re there, carrying him as a light into dark places. Carrying something of the divine into a hurting world. 

Dream.

In the process of planning our wedding, people often asked what the theme was or what I was going for as far as colors and decor. My answer: "Outdoor garden party with a touch of Hawaii but not a luau." I wanted it to be romantic and ethereal, yet classic. So, that was always the goal - every decision was made with that in mind - and it really came together just as perfectly as I imagined, thanks to the help of so many wonderful people. The ceremony took place in front of an old majestic tree and our reception was held under pretty string lights and it happened to be the most gorgeous summer night in Nebraska. We laughed and danced and drank champagne and, surrounded by our dearest friends and sweet family, we truly enjoyed each moment. After a surprise display of fireworks, we drove away in a '72 convertible under a sky of full of stars, and it felt completely magical. Our hearts overflowed with gratitude. It was a fairytale kind of night.

So, this is the part of the story where I come out and show you all 800 wedding pictures because how do you really choose only a handful when it was the dreamiest day of our lives? I'll do my best. 

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Special thanks to all of our amazing vendors! 

Venue: Hidden Valley Golf Club  Dress: Blush Bridal Boutique  Alterations: Felicia's Couture
Flowers: I Bloom.  Bridesmaids: Lulus  Suits: Men's Wearhouse  Catering: HyVee  
Cake: Butterfly Bakery  DJ: Complete Music  Rentals: Nostalgia Rentals, Elite Events, AAA Rents 
Photography: The Mullers  Videography: Bryan Marine

New.

I wrote a whole post last week about being in a new city but didn’t feel peace about posting it, I guess because it felt a little complain-y - and that’s not even a word but I’m writing it anyway. I don’t want to be a complainer and I especially don’t want to publicly complain on my blog. So I’m starting fresh here and trying to let God speak new words to my fragile heart.

I don’t feel much like myself right now, and that’s the honest truth. I feel chaotic – like I’m trying to live someone else’s life, fumbling around and lost. I wrote on Instagram last week that it’s been a comedy of errors and if I really feel like it I could focus a whole lot on the errors – like how I messed up the self-checkout at the store and just ran away from it instead of get help, like how parking in Honolulu is a bit like musical chairs where there is always one less spot than there are cars, like how Safeway doesn’t have the things I liked at Trader Joe’s (RIP Trader Joe’s) and it’s all twice as expensive. Oh, see, here I go again complaining.

I don’t know if you’ve ever moved across the country, but it’s pretty hard. On top of that I just got married two and a half weeks ago and am learning how to be a wife and live with someone else for the first time, so I just feel like there’s an abnormally-sized portion of new on my plate and if you took anything from my last post, you know that new is not my forte. I know I’m not the first person to get married and move all at once - I’m just an ordinary girl doing an ordinary thing - but I feel kind of like Bambi on the ice trying to walk. The minute I feel a little confident, I get a snowball to the face, usually in the form of being in the wrong lane and ending up five streets from where I wanted to be. I know these occurrences will come less and less over time and I just need to give myself some time (and grace) to learn. They say you need at least six months in a new place to feel like anything feels normal so since it’s only been two weeks, maybe I can calm down. It’s just the perfectionist in me rearing its head and wanting to know how to do everything and how to get everywhere right away and stop making mistakes.

One thing I’ve had to diligently remind myself over the last two weeks is the verse in Lamentations about God’s mercies being new every morning. It’s fitting that the verse is found in that book of the Bible because I find myself easily lamenting lately. But God says his mercies are new each day – fresh and full and mine for the taking. I drew the verse in my journal the second day we were here in Hawaii. When I start to think about the fact that I won’t see my family and friends and Nebraska until December, I get a little panicky. When I start to think about how lost I feel in this new city, the lamentations start to roll off my tongue. But instead of focus on that very far away December date, I remember this verse and look at this one day in front of me and know that his mercy and grace is sufficient for today and tomorrow’s portion will be sufficient for tomorrow until all those portions string together to get me through. And when everything about me screams, “I’m new here!” at least I know his mercies are new so that no matter how often I screw up, I can start again and again until this new little life here starts to feel normal.

Speaking of normal, I went to the gym yesterday. It didn’t feel like my gym and the kettlebells smell a bit like bandaids and it’s pretty small and hot in there, but working out felt normal for me and I need that bit of routine in my life. I told Aaron I did prayer sprints at the gym and he said he had never heard of that and that’s because I made them up! All you do is set the treadmill at 10 mph and for ten minutes you sprint 30 seconds and rest 30 seconds but during the 30 second sprint, you pick one thing to pray about – just one thing. And during those 30 seconds you mentally pray every single thing you can think about regarding that one person or circumstance. And you don’t really get to choose what you pray about, you just have to pray whatever comes to your head, so that could be really any person or situation on your heart. It’s kind of like mentally shouting things out, but God doesn’t care how you come to him, he just cares that you come.

A lot of my sprints yesterday resulted in prayers about my heart and attitude, but also family and friends and finding a job. I went to a conference back in February and Beth Moore said that we have ground we’re supposed to take through prayer – we have things in our lives that we are to pray about and you don’t want to miss the blessings that will come through your prayer about something – so take that ground! Intercede for others. Maybe that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but there is one thing I know about prayer: it doesn’t change your circumstance immediately, but it can change your heart. So while I went to the gym yesterday with a bit of a bad attitude about the traffic situation on H1 west (like I actually texted Aaron, “How do people live here?”), I left with a new heart and better perspective.  And I remembered again that his mercies were new that day. Just like they are today.

Before I left Nebraska two weeks ago, my 5 year old niece asked me if I was scared to move to Hawaii. Children are so perceptive sometimes it’s a little frightening. I told her I was and she said, “Well, when I’m scared I just remember this verse, ‘Let the peace of Christ fill your heart.’” Ugh. I’m not crying, YOU’RE CRYING. How often God uses the small things to remind us of the truth and how often I’ve repeated that verse to myself over the last couple of weeks. Beth Moore also reminded us that we should be praying for supernatural things in our lives so I have prayed for supernatural peace that cannot be explained. And every time I start to feel a little scared or make another mistake or start to miss home, I remember Lux’s gentle reminder and her tiny voice reciting scripture.

The last two weeks I've found myself feeling a bit like the first half of these illustrations by Mari Andrew:

I trust that in a few more months, or by the end of our time here in Hawaii I’ll feel like the second half of each drawing. I won’t be making all the wrong turns and I’ll know the ins and outs of living here and I’ll find my favorites at Safeway like I did at Trader Joe’s. I know that new things just take time to get used to – that new rhythms and routines will come. And the thing is, every time I feel like Bambi on ice, I've got Aaron as my little Thumper, encouraging me and helping me see the fun in it all. He keeps the comedy in all my errors and straightens out my legs when I get wobbly.

So if you're feeling a little lost today - a little unsure or you feel like you keep making mistake after mistake, I guess I just want to remind you and me this morning with this short little post that his mercies are new every morning and when you’re feeling a little scared, "Let the peace of Christ fill your heart." He’s been faithful to show up each day.

Now I'm headed to Target. I think I'll have to prayer sprint the whole way.