Marriage.
/I recently read Scary Close by Donald Miller and in it he writes about how no one is an expert at relationships. He says we don’t come into this world with an intact understanding of how to navigate friendship or marriage or any kind of relationship. So, they take work! Lots of work. We’re going to get it wrong sometimes and we’re going to get it right sometimes, but no one is an expert. The key is staying in the work even when you get it wrong or your partner gets it wrong.
Aaron and I were joking recently that marriage is for when you're ready to find out how wrong you are about everything. Like how you wash the dishes wrong, or hang the clothes up in the closet wrong. How you buy the wrong milk or store the butter wrong. How your thoughts on this or that topic are wrong. Marriage is for when you decide, "Yeah, okay, I think I'm ready to know the ways in which I was wrong for the last 30 years of my life." I'm exaggerating of course but we have had a lot of laughs and misunderstandings over each other being "wrong". But in our very VERY limited knowledge of marriage thus far, what we have found is that it is the most fun we've ever had, but it is also work in the way that all intimate, lasting relationships take work. And maybe the best word to use instead of work is intentionality. They require a conscience effort to thrive and grow like any other living thing.
Relationships have been on my heart lately, I think because there's so much at stake. We need healthy marriages that produce healthy kids that produce stability in our culture. It all starts at home. And a lot of it has to do with dads. If there was ever a time we need lots of great dads to step up and stay in it with their families, it's now. I have a lot of thoughts on dads, because I think they're just so important to a home - I wrote a whole post about them once! But gosh, dads, we need you! At the heart of everyone is just a person who wants their dad to be proud of them - to love them, to care about them. That's why Jack Pearson is America's dad right now. It's why we love him and other dads like him: Adam Braverman, Carl Winslow, Eric Taylor. They stay and do what's right. They're proud of their kids and they're good men. Good husbands. Marriages need good husbands (and good wives, it's obviously a both/and situation).
The thing is, if you’re not newly engaged or approaching your wedding day or starting something fresh and fun, then you’re just in the middle and sometimes, living in a culture addicted to beginnings and anything new, the middle becomes boring and ordinary and not that exciting. I listened to a sermon recently and he says that most of your life is lived on a regular Tuesday: you wake up, get the kids off to school, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed, do it again the next day. That's the majority of our lives. So the middle is where we need the most prayer and encouragement. It’s where we need the most people helping us along and cheering for us to stay grounded - to stay in the thick of it all when it gets hard. To keep fighting for love with intentionality. To be faithful - to choose to be steadfast every moment of every day. To dive to the sweet middle of intimacy rather than stick to the superficial, saccharine and easily discarded because we’re swayed by the winds of our feelings.
When Aaron created our wedding website and put together the RSVP page, we created a required question where, before our guests could submit, they had to offer us their best marriage advice. We figured that between the nearly 300 people we invited, the collective years of marriage experience was well into the hundreds, so maybe we could learn a thing or two before we stepped into this together. As the RSVPs came back, it was fun to see what people wrote and what they thought was important – lessons they had learned through their years of experience, and what our single friends thought might be important someday or what they observed to be crucial in the relationships they admired most. So, since I have all this marriage advice just locked away in a spreadsheet, and it being nearly Valentine's Day, I want to offer some of it to you because maybe it’s what you need to hear today more than anything. Maybe it’s something that will breathe life into your middle. Maybe it will strengthen the roots you're growing in your relationship.
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Always choose to love each other, even in those moments when you struggle to like each other. Love is a commitment, not a feeling.
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PRAY for each other, be VERY slow to anger, and TALK to each other. Then BE THANKFUL!!!
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The things that first attracted you to one another will also be the things that drive you most crazy in your marriage! ;) Remember, marriage was designed to make you HOLY not always HAPPY.
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Every day ask the question, "What does love require of me today?"
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Perhaps the two most important phrases: "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you." Use them constantly.
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Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:19
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That whole "don't go to bed angry" advice isn't true. Sometimes a good night's sleep gives you the right perspective to resolve things in the morning without saying things you wished you hadn't when you were mad. (Although maybe don't do that for a week haha)
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For better or worse is real, but it's worth it.
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Get over things quickly and it's never going to be 50/50 so don't expect that.
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Little things matter! A pastry for no reason or a hot cup of coffee in the morning. Also, creating your own traditions are huge! Maybe it is traveling to the mountains every year or going to the Apple Jack Festival in the fall. They don't all have to be crazy on the budget. But these mile-markers create stability and safe haven places for both you and your future kids =)
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Cherish each other; don't mock each other. Make each other feel like the luckiest spouse.
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Appreciate the small things that you do for each other, not everything has to be a grand gesture.
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Always extend grace. Jesus did for you.
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Always make time to nurture your relationship and enjoy each other...keep having date nights (even if it means at-home date nights, after having kids). :)
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I have very little wisdom to offer on this topic. But, my favorite relationships always have a whole lot of trust, mutual respect, and laughter involved.
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It's so easy to be selfish and get lazy in marriage, but fight hard against it. Marriage is so beautiful when your eyes are fixed on Jesus and you are intentional with each other.
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I don't have a lot of experience with being married, but it seems to me that you cannot over communicate. So talk it out and then talk it out again!
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When you are stressed or struggling, do not insist on going through it alone. Remember to lean on your partner and let them help you even though it may be hard to give up control or admit you are weak. They love you and will gladly carry and help you through.
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No matter what's happening, happy or mad, fighting or blissful, tell each other I love you and thank you. I love you is pretty self-explanatory but thank you is important too because it reminds the other person that you appreciate them and all you do for each other.
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Don't take each other for granted. Go on adventures. Find (or keep!) your own hobbies and interests apart from each other. Always be honest and open. Accept each other for who you are.
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Always keep Christ at the center of your relationship - don't look to each other to fulfill but look to God to fulfill what only He can. Give each other grace... lots of grace.
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Communicate, communicate, communicate! There is no substitute for communication done in love.
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If you have an argument, have it naked. It won't last long.
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That last one is hilarious, mostly because of the person who gave it, but also because we got a lot of sex advice - some from people who seemed embarrassed to write it and some from people who went into lots of details. Sex does matter in a marriage - the having it or not having it - so I appreciate all the advice given in that arena. A big thank you to all our wedding guests, who didn't know their advice might be shared on my blog. We have appreciated all your words of wisdom.
In the six and a half months we've been married, I think one of the big lessons we've learned is that we can't read each other's minds. Honest communication about our thoughts and feelings instead of assuming the other person "should" know or figure it out has been the key to resolving a lot of our misunderstandings. Obviously every relationship is different and each will require different care and attention at different times. The previous list is not exhaustive. But it has been helpful. Some other resources we appreciate:
The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller
#MarriageMonday advice from Chelsea Smith, who pastors at Churchome with her husband, Judah.
The Mingling of Souls by Matt Chandler
Captivated sermon series at The Village Church
Now go love with intentionality. You'll get it wrong sometimes, but you'll get it right sometimes too.
