Blueberries or strawberries?

Lately when I sit down to write something I hear all the people in my head, the critics, the loudmouths, the ones who are just out to make fun, I hear them in my head saying, “Oh, here she goes again with her advice and stories about God.” “Now she thinks she knows everything, now that she’s engaged.” “Who does she think she is?” It’s so easy to be critical, isn’t it? Maybe none of you are saying that and I’m just telling myself an untrue story based on lies, but I think all creative people everywhere who dare to put their ideas out into the world – I think we all battle this same obnoxious voice in our heads.

But, in case you are that voice – in case you have that opinion about me – here’s the truth: I don’t think I know everything and I’m not pretending to know everything, but I do know some things and I know them because I’ve been through them. I just want you to learn from my ridiculous mistakes. I know that I wish someone would have taken me by the shoulders and said, “HEY, WAKE UP!” I know that I can look at my life right now and wish I had done some things differently – not wasted so much time on things that didn’t matter, not given myself away in many ways. So I don’t know everything but I do know a few things. I guess I could just start a blog series titled, “Things I Wish I Knew.”

Here’s one of them:

I wish I would have had a little more self-respect in the game and knew myself just a little bit better. I was watching an Instagram story from Sydney Poulton a couple of weeks ago and she was talking about how she wishes she could go back and have a little more self-respect in this one key situation where she felt she acted like a doormat. And I watched that and thought, “Same, girl. Preach.” I had little to no self-respect in high school or college or even until about three or four years ago, honestly. I was the doormat. The people-pleaser. The “I’ll-just-have-what-you’re-having” kind of girl so that I didn’t upset anyone or rock the boat in any way. I didn’t have favorites. I didn’t stand up for myself. I didn’t think I deserved good things. And that drove the way I acted with other people, how I acted in relationships, and it informed my general outlook on life. 

Several years ago I read this book called When Wallflowers Dance and you might think that’s a silly title but it’s about learning to be confident and if anyone needed a heavy dose of confidence, it was me. This part from chapter one has stuck out to me for years:

“Blueberries or strawberries?”
“Excuse me?”
“Which would you like, blueberries or strawberries?”
“I don’t know. Whatever you think.”
“It doesn’t matter what I think. Choose what you like.”
“I don’t know what I like.”

I was thirty-eight. A grown woman with half a lifetime of experience. Fairly educated and organized. But I couldn’t choose between blueberries or strawberries for dessert at a friend’s dinner party. We laughed off my indecision, and I sat at the table watching my girlfriend serve me a little of both, wondering, ‘Why did that just cause me stress? Why don’t I know what I like?’... It wasn’t just that I couldn’t make a decision about dessert; I began to realize that I really didn’t know anything about me at all. I had no preferences. No top fives. No particular likes or dislikes… I realized I always chose what I thought would make someone else happy.

Finally someone put into words what I was feeling. I read that and thought, “What do I even like? Who am I?” So I sat down and started a list of the things I liked and the things that were truly me and not just a reflection of what someone else liked or what they wanted. 

Not too long ago I had a moment similar to the one in the book. A friend of mine had a baby and I thought, “What could I just pop over there to surprise her with?” But I knew right away that this sweet friend loved popcorn, she loved cinnamon ice cream, and she loved putting Cinnamon Toast Crunch on top of that ice cream. I knew she liked tea. I knew she liked flowers. I knew what to bring to her because she wasn’t afraid to put a stake in the ground on who she was and what she liked and just be that person. She knew how to say, “No, I don’t like that.” Or, “Oh, that is my favorite!” I thought, “What would someone say about me?” I didn’t know! But I wanted to be a person with favorites, with likes and dislikes, with things that were truly me. I wanted to stop letting other people make decisions for me. It’s called an opinion. And it’s okay to have one.

I think this is a newer revelation for me because I thought I always had to be nice.  I was raised to get along with everyone. I was raised to follow the rules and obey. I didn’t ask questions – I did what I was told. Pile on top of that some misunderstood Christian principles like, “Love your neighbor” and “Always put those you love first,” and I was just a wreck of a twenty-something trying to please my way into getting a small scrap of love in return. Because not knowing who I was led me to being a doormat in relationships. I wanted to be loved and instead I got taken advantage of repeatedly and wickedly. I was putting people first because I loved them, meanwhile they did nothing to show they even had an ounce of love for me. I was being nice to people who did not in any way deserve my niceness or my respect. Sure, put that guy you love first, but if you find that he is continually putting you second, fifth, last, then he loses his position with you also. Oh my gosh, how many times I bent over backwards, contorted my will to fit, "Put those you love first," while he blatantly loved everyone but me. And you might think, ‘Gosh, Lyndi, did you have any dignity?’ No, because I wanted to get married more than anything else and I put myself as a sacrifice on that alter over and over and over again. Listen, treat others how you want to be treated, sure, but at some point you have to also respect yourself enough not to be their doormat forever. If there’s no reciprocation in that love, you need to reevaluate the relationship and your necessity to keep it alive.

Ladies, I think a lot of times we get into this deep sinkhole of wanting to be chosen by that cute boy we like, but goodnight, choose yourself first. Don’t let him use you. Don’t let him come and go as he pleases – popping in and out of your life at will. Don’t let him. If that’s happening now, put an end to it. You are better than that. Not one time has Aaron ever made me question his intentions, his feelings toward me, his desire to be in my life. Not one time did I feel like he was playing a game with my heart. The right relationship will not be a guessing game of, “Does he or doesn’t he?” Does he like me? Is he seeing someone else? Is he telling me the truth? Does he want to spend time with me? No. You will ask yourself none of these question in the right relationship. None of them. If you’re asking yourself these questions now, it is the reddest of red flags and I would urge you to end it. The same principle applies in other areas - especially those where you find yourself just trying to be nice to the extent that you are not even respecting yourself anymore. Sometimes it's okay to not be nice! 

All of this is really about boundaries. Knowing your likes and your dislikes is a boundary issue. Knowing who you are and not letting others take away from you is a boundary issue. Knowing what you’ll accept and not accept in a relationship is a boundary issue. Self-respect is a boundary issue. I had no boundaries. I existed for other people to take what they wanted and be who they needed until I felt like a used up pile of bones. But boundaries are a good thing – in work, at home, at school, in relationships. Boundaries are a statement about where you begin and someone else ends. And you know what I learned? Something this heart that just wanted to be nice could really fall in love with: setting boundaries is a NICE THING TO DO. It might not seem nice at the start. The people you set boundaries with might not like it at first. But setting boundaries will make you so much healthier and happier in the long game. Setting boundaries will allow you to be a steady, confident person who people can actually rely on and trust. So understand your boundaries and decide what is okay and what’s not okay.

I know a lot more about myself these days. I don’t like olives. I want a golden retriever someday. I like to write. I don’t like Chinese food or ramen or pho (I mean, what even is that?). I like to travel but don't particularly enjoy flying. I have a fear of sinkholes.

Who are you? Do you know yourself well? Have you asked God who he created you to be? Do you know where you stand on strawberries or blueberries? Listen, that seems so trivial but I think it’s indicative of a larger issue. Don’t be afraid to have opinions. You are not just here to please others and make sure that they are comfortable and happy. You’re here to please God. He made you unique and gifted and talented and you are not called to shy away from who you are in him but lean into it and glorify him through it.

That’s what I wish I knew then. Thankful to be learning it now.

_____________________________________________

A helpful resource in learning what it means to have boundaries in our lives is this book by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Engagement photos.

They're heeeeere! And, gosh, we love them so much! I've been dying to share them (seriously been sitting on them for over a month!), but we wanted to send out our Save the Date before I posted them all to the world wide web. If you follow me on Instagram, you should have seen a few sneaks by now, but here they are in all their glory.

As I was exchanging emails with our photographer during the planning process for this session, she asked about our story - how we met, how he proposed, and what we like to do. I told her that Aaron is always taking me on new adventures and that my very first time camping was when I was in Hawaii last May. So, sweet Sunny had the great idea of telling that part of our story with a bonfire and s'mores! It was so perfect! We had a blast. You guys, these photos are truly us and we are so excited to share them with you. Also, if you're ever on Oahu and looking for a photographer, please look up Sunny Golden (isn't her name the cutest?) and tell her we sent you. She is such a gem! 

Place.

A couple of weekends ago I was in Houston at a writer’s conference taught by Beth Moore. I can't even begin to unpack all the wisdom she shared with us in this one day event, but after the panel discussion toward the end of the conference, I had the super special opportunity to spend a few brief minutes talking to Christine Caine. Christine is a giant of the Christian faith – living and loving and serving others with zeal and a holy fire in her bones for Jesus. Her organization, A21, has rescued people all over the world from the clutches of human trafficking. She started Propel Women to celebrate "every woman's passion, purpose, and potential." She speaks with vulnerability about her own story of abuse and abandonment and how that launched her into the ministry work she does today. I was just listening to her speak with Maria Shriver last week in a Facebook Live event and she said, “Often your greatest pain can become your purpose in life.” If anyone could be wallowing in the swamp of victimhood it would be Christine, but instead she has taken that and let God use it for good. Her perspective and teaching is part of the reason I am who I am today and one of the catalysts for starting this blog.

LIT conference panel discusssion: Amanda Jones, Beth Moore, Melissa Moore, Priscilla Shirer, Jennie Allen, Christy Nockels, and Christine Caine.

I first heard Christine almost three years ago when a friend shared this talk with me. I don’t know how she found it or what caused her to share it but she had no idea how it would minister to my own heart in the coming days and months and years. I proceeded to listen to it over and over again. It spoke a truth to my heart that for so long I wasn’t willing to hear. Christine's thesis is three words: embrace your place.

Embrace your place. Wherever you are, right now, today, there is a reason you are there. Whatever season you find yourself in. Whatever job, whatever neighborhood, whatever situation, whatever circumstance. There’s a reason you’re there right now. When I first heard that sermon, there were about a million and one ways I wasn’t embracing my place. I hated the season I was in and could not wait to get to the next one. I rehashed daily how I should have gone to hair school instead of college. How my life would be so much better if I would have never done this or that. I replayed my broken relationships in my head and figured out all the ways in which they wrecked me forever and how God couldn't be trusted with this area of my life.  Like the visions of Ezekiel in the Old Testament, I was not only in the valley of dry bones, I was the dry bones. One time I had a friend say to me, “It seems like you really hate your life.” And my response was, “I do.” I did. I was sad and desperate. Everyone had what I couldn’t have and I could instantly rattle off all the ways I was being left out and left behind: the house, the good job, the big salary, the dreams realized, the spouse, the children, the friends, the vacations, the dinners out, the amazing dress, the good hair, the perfect life. Anytime I make a comment about someone having something I don’t, my brother will, to this day, sarcastically say to me, “Wow. They must have the perfect life.” But the problem is, I used to believe it and I would “if only” my days away.

See, we like to think that fantasy is harmless. As I thought and prayed about this blog post I read a piece on fantasy that articulated it this way, "Fantasy is living in what could be, rather than living in the reality of what actually is. From pornography, to affairs, to toxic relationships [I would also add addictions and social media]. The list could go on and on, but in each of these you will find men and women imprisoned within the confines of a dream. Stuck in a life they make up with people who don’t actually exist." We daydream about how life could be one day if, how our marriage could be if, how our friendships could be if, where we would be in life if  ____ wouldn't have happened. We look at one Instagram photo and tell ourselves a story about how great their life must be. We glorify wanderlust and those who don't seem to have any roots because they're so "free" and we keep changing our job, our relationship, our neighborhood because we can’t find the right fit. We get so caught up in "finding our passion" that we're never settled. I spent a lot of time in toxic situations dreaming up what could be if, which just turned my life into a long paper chain of days waiting to die or waiting for Jesus to come back. So we dream and plot and plan and swipe left but reality is always waiting for us when we come down from the cloud. Reality is always waiting and sometimes reality is so hard. It’s hard and it’s lonely and there is destruction and death and heartache all around us so we leave our reality - our place - thinking up what could be if only. But Christine's talk gave me fresh hope that day.

In her talk on embracing your place, Christine talks about the story in 1 Kings 19 where Elisha is last in line behind the oxen when Elijah comes to anoint him as a prophet. Had he not been there, had he not been faithful to where God had him, he might not have been called up. Had he abandoned his place for something he thought was better, some higher position, some place with more acclaim and celebrity, he might not have been ready for what God had for him. Had he been dreaming and wishing and working to get into another place, rather than be faithful to the place God called him, Elisha could have been passed over. Christine said, 

“That place where you think it’s dry, that place where you think God’s forsaken you, the wilderness place, [God says] “I’m going to come and find you when I’m ready for you.” [Elisha] was in the wilderness behind 12 lots of oxen! The guy in the back, back, back of the parking lot... God says, “I’m just seeing if they’re going to stay in place, when they think nobody knows, when they’re behind the 12 oxen, when they’re the least of the least in the most arid and dry conditions, I’m going to see, are they going to be faithful? Are they going to be loyal? Are they going to stick with that marriage? Are they going to keep parenting those kids? Are you going to keep yourself morally pure? Are you going to keep tithing, keep sowing, keep serving? Are you going to stay in place? That’s where he turns up.”

Think about some different areas in your life. Are you doing the best you can in your job or are you thinking about how everyone else has it better than you, makes more than you, has a nicer office than you, gets more perks than you? Are you loving your person and being kind to them, spending your time thinking of more ways to serve them, or are you always venting about who they’re not and what they don’t do and how they’d be so much better if they just did ____ like that other person’s spouse? Are you readily jumping from one date to the next with no follow through and no commitment because you think the next person will be better than the last? Are you sitting in bitterness over a past incident, past hurt, past heartbreak and telling God all the ways he was wrong to bring you there? Are you cruising around on Pinterest and Instagram thinking about how everyone has it so much better than you? Are you living in the land of if only?

You are where you are for a reason but like that saying I've read somewhere on the internet, "Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you're stupid and make bad decisions." Listen, I love you enough to tell you the truth. Sometimes God has you in the wilderness but sometimes, more often I think, you walk yourself out there. I know I did. I was always turning left when God called me right. But of course, other times it's just circumstance you have no control over. Sometimes you did nothing to end up there and you're just there. In those moments you can twist yourself in knots trying to figure out that reason, or you can rest in the knowledge that you are not forgotten, you do not go unseen, you are not alone in your waiting and wondering. You have full permission to cry your eyes out in wondering why you’re single or why you can’t get the job you applied for or why your friends get everything you want or why there's this terrible pain in your life, but in that wondering and waiting, be faithful to seek the Lord and what he might have for you here and now in this place. Some of you need to get back in place, or stay in place, and embrace your place.

I guess I can really only speak to your heart here if you believe that God is in control – that he has a plan, that he has a purpose and is steadily working those things together for your good. “But this singleness doesn’t feel good!” Trust me, I know that. I didn’t meet Aaron until I was 31 and I had a lot of lonely days and nights. “But ______ doesn’t feel good! How is this good?” I hear you. I know. I will sit and listen to you and cry with you and try to understand how it doesn’t feel good. But one day, when you look back on your life, I promise you that it will all make sense. Do not despise your season. There is a plan and a purpose. And you might think it's easy for me to say this now - now that I'm not necessarily in a waiting season, now that Aaron came along, now that things seem to be falling into place. But, I can tell you all of this having been in the desert for many years and in many ways. Maybe not the ways that you are, but I've been in the wilderness.  And I know that my waiting was loud and long and tear-filled and impatient, but it was not in vain. Neither is yours. I pray that even in my next desert season, whatever form that may take, I still cling to that promise. But even now, there are ways, daily, that I need to embrace my place, like living in the present instead of living for July 29 when I become a wife. Or continually looking forward instead of looking back. This isn't a thing you learn and move on from - much like a lot of life. It's a process.

One of the sweetest things I heard recently was when a friend said to me that they were so glad God looked at me and Aaron and said, “It’s time." It’s time for them to be together. It’s time. One day he’s going to look at you in whatever it is you’re waiting for, whatever it is you’re hoping for, whatever it is and say, “It’s time.” In his sovereign will he will say, “Now,” and you just have to believe that the waiting will be worth it, even if the waiting never makes sense to your human brain.

I sat down with Christine Caine a couple of weekends ago and I said through tears, “I don’t know if you remember the talk you gave on embracing your place, but I just want you to know that it changed the course of my life.” Beth Moore wrote, “Your faithfulness might just be the key to somebody else’s faith.” I can tell you that Christine’s faithfulness to preach the gospel and tell the truth was one of the keys to my faith. What if you embracing your place, staying faithful in your place, is the key to someone else’s faith? 

It's such a gift to meet the people who have influenced and impacted your life through their own faithfulness.

Are you being faithful to stay in place? Are you being faithful in the season you’re in? Are you where you belong even if it's in the desert, in the wilderness, behind the oxen, waiting to get called up?  Are you being a faithful friend/employee/neighbor/spouse/parent as you wait for the next season or as you wait to see what God has for you? Is this the word you need to hear today like I did three years ago? God will call you up when it’s time. He will. He will be faithful to show you what's next. He has not forgotten you. You just have to keep showing up to where he has you now. In that talk from Christine she says, “What’s happening when you think nothing’s happening? There’s always a whole lot more going on than what you see. If what you see in front of you, the challenge, the circumstance, if what you see is all you see then you will never see all there is to see. There is always a whole lot more to see than what you see right now… Don’t underestimate the power of staying planted and keep turning up… God’s doing a work in you, preparing you for what he wants to do through you.”

There’s a silent preparation happening all the time – getting you ready for what’s next. All the choices you’re making are building into that, all the people you surround yourself with, all the ways in which you cultivate your own heart and lean into what God has for you. He’s preparing the way so that when he says, “Now" you are ready. But you can’t be ready if you’re spinning yourself in circles trying to figure out ways to get out of the place he has you in. You might feel like you’re in the midst of the wilderness, and maybe you are. Maybe you’re out there for a reason – for that silent preparation. Your bones might feel dry. Your season might be desolate. But, "Sometimes you have to go to a place where you don’t want to be so you can end up where God wants you to be.” 

That same friend who asked if I hated my life all those years ago wrote me a card after I got engaged and she said something like, "I'm so happy to see you've created a life you love." The only thing is that I can't take credit for its creation. All I can say is that I got back in my place and let God do the rest.

Trust.

One night last week I woke up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, feeling like I couldn’t breathe or swallow. I sat straight up in bed and took some deep breaths, kind of assessing the situation. Was I safe? Had I been dreaming? Why am I so hot? What time is it? The only sound in the room was the slow hum of my ceiling fan and it was 1:30 in the morning. I laid back down on my stomach, but that made it worse – I couldn’t breathe again. So I sat up. I needed a distraction. I checked my phone. I had a few snaps from Aaron, so I opened them and responded via chat. He saw that I was awake and typed back,

Why are you awake?
I don’t know. I feel weird.
Like what?
Like I’m going to disappear.

Disappear? What does that even mean? I don’t know, but it felt so strange – like I couldn’t feel my body. Like I might pass out and fall to the floor. My heart rate picked up as I started to wonder if I was dying. Was something happening in my body and I was about to black out? You know, people die of aneurysms with no warning. But I didn’t have a headache. Maybe it was something in my guts. I felt like my whole body was empty and I was just a shell.

Aaron called.

Babe, you’re okay. Take some deep breaths. You’re not going to disappear. Stick your head outside and get some fresh air.

I walked to the door of my patio and my body started to shake. My teeth were chattering, but I wasn’t cold.

Oh, I thought. I know this feeling. I’m having a panic attack. 

It took a few more minutes to get over. Aaron talked calmly to me, prayed with me, and then I laid back down and fell asleep. But I woke up the next day feeling frustrated and annoyed.

I battled panic attacks for the better part of fifteen years. The first one I remember was the first day of second grade and I was a literal wreck. There was nothing you could do to get me to go into Mrs. Clark’s homeroom. To anyone else it maybe it looked like some kind of spoiled brat tantrum, but for me it was fear of feeling trapped and abandoned at school all day. I eventually did go, of course, on the third day of school, but over the next fifteen years this feeling would become all too familiar - the heart pounding, teeth chattering, sweating, super tired and yet simultaneously hyperaware, feelings of entrapment. And then after one or two of these panic attacks, it’s not the attack that becomes the problem but it’s the fear of having a panic attack that drives you to try and control everything. My heart and mind so feared having a panic attack that I mentally organized my life around being in control of my surroundings and my ability to leave a place whenever I want to leave. At the height of it all, it meant I didn’t spend the night at friend’s houses and I didn’t go to church camp or retreats, I quit my first real job after two shifts, and going away for college was completely out of the question. A panic attack while babysitting one time caused me to avoid that job for years. In fact, I dropped out of cheerleading tryouts my sophomore year because I was scared that I actually would make the squad and have to go to camp for a week. I felt so fearful that I would have a panic attack and embarrass myself so I just quit and then berated myself for even trying out in the first place even though it was something I really wanted to do. 

Fear took a lot of experiences from me in those years because I refused to place myself in any situation where I might feel a wave of panic come over me. I didn’t have the tools to deal with this mental health issue – I didn’t even know it was a mental health issue. I just did everything I could to self-protect and project “normal” to the world around me. But I hated myself. I have journal pages about how I was a failure and a loser. I was an expert in all the ways I sucked as a person and filled lines and lines of paper with musings about why I couldn't just get a grip.

I also felt like a bad Christian. I was praying constantly that I wouldn’t be scared, that I wouldn’t let fear run my life, that I could just get over it, but it was like I was in an echo chamber and my words were only bouncing back and mocking me at the same time. I grew up in church. I knew all the verses about how we didn’t have to fear. The Bible calls him Yahweh-Shalom, or the Lord is peace, so where is my peace, God? I’m a disaster! So I tried Jesus and since he wasn’t working for me, my obvious conclusion was that he hated me. But why would he hate me? I was doing so much for him. I was trying to be good and do good things and serve and help other people and love well. But he obviously did, I mean I battled these panic attacks that made me feel crazy no matter how much I prayed or believed, and he never gave me anything I really wanted, like that role in the church play, or the spot on the gymnastics team, or the boyfriend, so clearly I was forgotten. These are the thoughts I had constantly until my twenties.

The last time I had a panic attack I was 21 and about to leave on a three week trip to Europe. It took a lot of self-talk and half of an anti-anxiety pill to get me on the plane, but I went. And it was one of the last panic attacks I can remember. I can’t tell you specifically what helped me – I think it was a lot of things. Constant prayer and self-talk. A few books. Memorizing Scripture. A little medication. Later, counseling. And still, there have been moments in the last ten years where I thought I would panic, but I was able to talk myself down. It was like dragging my mind back from the edge of a cliff, but I did it. I have power over this intense feeling more so now than I used to. When I moved out of my parent’s house at 23 it was like a sweet victory over fear and anxiety because there were times in my late teens and early twenties where I thought I would have to live in their basement forever. I was too scared to do anything else. But then I went to Europe. And then I served as Assistant Program Director at that same summer camp I vowed to never attend. For years I was in charge of planning and attending retreats for students. Talk about redemption. I felt like I was over that intense chapter. I felt like I was finally “normal.”

But lately, in the last year, they’ve come back - on my flights to and from Hawaii the last few times, and now, apparently, in the middle of the night. I think I know why. I mean, I’m fairly certain. My life has been under my own false sense of control for the last ten or eleven years. I’ve planned it out neatly and felt no pressure to change. I’m a creature of habit and routine. I like to know what’s next. I like to have a plan and I want to be able to see the way forward. I don’t take risks. I’m not spontaneous. I’m safe. And I like it. But in the next six months, my whole life is going to change – my living situation, my job, my routine, my city. I don’t have control over everything anymore because I have another person to consider. This is a good thing. Don’t hear me say that I am not grateful and thankful to have Aaron and move into this next chapter. But it is not without its challenges.

I told you at the end of 2015 that I like to pick a word for the year to focus on and really dial into and see what God has to teach me in that area. So I decided that my word for the year was trust and honestly I feel like it went something like this,

Me: I think my word for the year should be trust.
*meanwhile, in the heavens*
God: Hey, you guys. Watch this.

Like when you finally declare something or tell God you’re going to do something, he immediately comes back at you with, “Oh, really? Let’s try it.” Ha, I’m (mostly) kidding. But I think I’m telling you all this in the spirit of honesty and a desire to let you know that if you’re battling fear and anxiety, you are not alone. I hope that preaches to someone this morning because I am wondering a little bit why I’m being so vulnerable. Eeesh. I am in a really exciting period of my life. You’re only a fiancé once, you know! I am happy. Aaron is more than I could ever have hoped for in a partner. But I don’t do change well. I was talking to a friend about this recently and she said that we could probably be in a contest of who worries the most and about what things. It was good to hear her heart on this because in a world that makes it seem like we have it all together, we don’t often talk about our fears. If we talk about our fears, the façade of control would be lost and then who would we be? For someone who has dealt with fear and anxiety for the majority of life, let this be my battle cry to the world that we just stop pretending! I’m scared! Life is scary! Can we talk about it? Talking about it seems to make everything so much less scary, so let’s drag those dark thoughts into the light of conversation with people who care. Let’s speak truth without the fear of being seen as irrational or ridiculous. Let’s be the people who do care about those things and who are willing to listen without judgment.

No one wants to look dumb. No one wants to look like a failure or a loser or someone who doesn’t have it together. No one wants to feel scared or broken. But WE ALL DO. At one time or another, we all do.  I want to look you right in your beautiful eyes and tell you that I get it. I always felt alone in my battle with anxiety – like I was the only one who wasn’t normal. But there is nothing worse than telling yourself on repeat that you are the only one dealing with whatever it is you’re going through. You are not. Don’t tell yourself that for one second more. Find someone to talk to – yank out the words that are lodged in your throat and shout them from the rooftops. You are not the only one. Whatever seems to be looming over your head, you are not the only one. To the feelings that just won’t go away, you are not the only one. You aren’t the only one thinking that or feeling that or dealing with that thing that seems to entangle you. You are not the only one. I was listening to a sermon this morning about intuition and the voice in our own heads and how nobody talks to you like you talk to you. No one is harder on you than you are and no one lies to you like you do. The feeling that you are the only one is a lie. Don’t believe it.

I want to clarify that I know God doesn’t hate me and he didn’t hate me then, even when I felt like he did. I don’t know why fear and anxiety is my burden, I don’t know why he didn’t lift it when I cried out to him, but I know that in dealing with it, it has caused me to seek him more fervently and with more tenacity than if I didn’t have this battle. If I felt in control and had it all together, I would have a greater tendency to believe that I have no need for him. So it has grown me and pushed me in my love for him, my desire to know more of him, and my capacity for empathy and care for others going through similar trials.

Maybe fear isn’t your struggle, maybe it’s something else like self-worth issues, body image struggle, addiction of some form, money issues, a constant striving for power, letting the thief of comparison steal your joy. Maybe you just feel like Jesus doesn’t work for you or he’s not listening or he’s not there, maybe you’re struggling to understand your current circumstances or how to get out of a situation your own lies have you trapped in. Whatever you’re struggling with this morning as you read this, please hear me say that it’s time to get honest and get help. It’s time to get real with those closest to you and let them help you through it. You are not the only one.

I chose trust for the year because I know that above all, in all the chaos and the noise, in all the change and creating a new normal, I’ll need him more than anything. And with each timid step I take, even if I have a couple of panic attacks, even if I feel scared, he seems to be clearing the way. Fear doesn't have to define me and your struggle doesn't have to define you.

Aaron created this background image for my phone for the year, and I want to offer it to you as well as a simple reminder to just let go and trust. They're lyrics to one of my favorite songs right now, which I also shared with you in my last post. They contain such a powerful reminder that I want to hold on to when my fears start to flare, or when I start to feel like I'm the only one. I'd rather feed my soul this gracious truth, than that tired lie. I don't know what comes next, but I want to trust it all to the one who holds it all in the palm of his hand.

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For a lot of my life I let fear drive my decisions and I can tell you that it is no way to live. Here are a few resources that have really helped me in dealing with my own struggle over the years. I will always advocate for people seeking help and ending their fight to do it alone.

Straight Talk: Overcoming Emotional Battles with the Power of God's Word - if you can get past the cheesy cover, the truths in it are gold. 

Recovering Redemption: Examining Fear and Anxiety - the whole Recovering Redemption series is powerful, but this one in particular really gave me some freedom.

 Proverbs 3: 24-26 / Isaiah 43: 1-7 / Psalm 34 / 2 Timothy 1:7

Breaking Free: Discover the Victory of Total Surrender

Counseling - I spent about two years seeing a counselor about once per month. I cannot recommend this enough. Even if you think you're "fine" it can be really freeing to speak with someone.

Breathing - Controlled breathing can do so much for your mental state and I've found this exercise to be particularly helpful. (I mean I did it on repeat for about all six hours of a flight from Honolulu to Seattle, so, trust me here. ) It's called the 4-7-8 breathing method.

Close your eyes.
Take a long, deep breath in through your nose for four seconds.
Hold your breath for seven seconds.
Let it out through your mouth for eight seconds.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Medication - I mentioned that I took an anti-anxiety pill before I went to Europe. I did have one prescription for medication at that time, but I was never on medication consistently for this issue. However, I know several who are and fully advocate for this if you and your doctor decide it is best for your situation.

Grace and love,
Lyndi